Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
