the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you made out with another girl for some wings
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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