she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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