Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize