I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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