i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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