I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
