You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
