My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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