Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
