I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
