Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
