Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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