i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
