what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
