when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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