Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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