How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
