I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
