got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
