i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
