Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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