i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
