Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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