Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
