Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
