Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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