Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
