somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
