she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
