his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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