i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
