I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
