Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
