I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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