I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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