This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize