I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize