just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
