i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
