Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
