my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
