my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
