Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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