I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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