I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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