I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
