Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
