new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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