The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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