you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize