i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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