Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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