I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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