Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
