Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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