omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
