i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize