once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
