nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
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